What its all about.

In 6th grade, I picked out my first email address hikingmteverestnabkini@………. Even then, I had a pretty good understanding of what my life was going to be like, and now around 17 years later not much has changed.

That’s the thing about life, everything changes but yet nothing changes. I knew in 6th grade that my life was going to be about as much fun as hiking Mt. Everest while wearing a bikini. Granted there was a period of about a year and a half when things were looking up and I started to have a “life plan” I mean, a serious life plan with years and goals and shit.

I legitimately had it figured out, I was in graduate school for my masters degree, I was married to a husband who loved me a lot, and I knew what the next 4-7 years of my life looked like. It was kind of a magical period. Its not like everything is terrible now, its just that the magic is gone. I quit my plan, literally walked out on Part A after committing 3 years to that which was supposed to lead to joy and happiness in Part B and Part C, etc. I’m still trying to figure out how to get on with Part B and Part C without A, but it means finding a whole new path.

The term “magical thinking” in anthropology, psychology, and cognitive science refers to causal reasoning often involving associative thinking, such as the perceived ability of the mind to affect the physical world… – Wikipedia, 2015

Over the past year things have gotten pretty fucked up, and its hard not to blame myself –I am the one who quit after all. But that’s what this is about I guess, to write about what its like trying to make things better. No promises though, I only hope things get better, its not like I can see the future.

I’ve read a lot about how changing my perspective could have an influence on how I perceive my life, you know like try optimism for a change and suddenly life won’t seem to suck so much. So there will be some of that, looking for the Brightside. But I also think that writing about how much things suck might be kind of cathartic and help me understand myself and deal, so there might be some of that too. I guess, I don’t know what there will be, but it starts here and I’m hoping for the best (optimism, see).

Cathartic – providing psychological relief through the open expression of strong emotions. -Oxford Dictionary, 2015

Oh and if you were wondering, this isn’t one of those blogs that is all about making the reader happy and writing about what they care about. This is one of those blogs that might become too terribly honest at times, and will probably share my opinion strongly and if you don’t like it, well I really don’t give a fuck. For now, it’s all about me.